November 13, 2011

Neither Hate nor Love.


I don't know why but sometime I think of him, I don't deny that but I wasn't sure is it pieces of love I have for him or pieces of hate left in me. He did so much to me yet I made myself clear this year that "moving forward is better than dwell in the past" so I forgive him on what ever thing he did to me. Still, I sometime think of him and for what? I don't know. 


This evening I think I met his girlfriend, he turn away when I'm about to turn my way around. His girlfriend thinks that making us meet like that will make thing be okay (she's wrong) because it will cause awkwardness in us. My boyfriend saw him (I think) that's why he acted differently after that meeting. I feels sorry for my boyfriend due to what I did in the past. What amused me is that why would be running away upon seeing him? Why I still cannot forget him? 


It's total blank in me. If only I have the power to delete my memories it'll be perfect. In time of needs I start to find quotes that give me support that this is all part of life.


“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
-Marilyn Monroe

September 13, 8:39pm

Just a Little Bit of Heaven.....

I watch a movie today from the beginning till ends... usually i keep forwarding the movie but today I manage to watch it all... its a story about a person come from a broken family manage to get her life ahead with positive thinking and her love life is all about having sex but not making commitment because she afraid of losing and hurting her heart... as i watch this movie i start to cry thinking about my life, my love, and my dream.. am i going to be like her.. in the ends she has colon cancer a.k.a butt cancer.. (weird when i first think of it but hey.. if we gonna have sickness doesn't matter what it is) back to the movie... 

So there she was happy and joking with her friends knowing she has cancer, her friends tries to make her happy in her ways but her parent didn't.. as she finally making her days to the fullest, she fainted during an operation.. in her way to heaven she meet god (whoopy) so there "god" is telling her she has three wishes..(she think is a joke) so she made two wishes 1. to fly 2. a million dollar (plus gov tax total half a million dollar) mind blowing!! if i were her i wish differently..hmm... okay.. back to the story.. so she made back alive after fainted.. then she in love with a doctor and depressed she couldn't be saved anymore so, in her numbered days many thing happen til she stop her treatment... hmm... i cry so much because she made it all possible even though she's going to die... except one thing letting a man into her heart.. so the day come and she manage to do so many thing before she dissapear forever... 

i watch it and i cry alot and alots.... i begin to wonder what my life could be... if were her counting my days knowing im gonna die soon...what would i do first to make my day the best? i wish to live my life greater so i won't great living... THE END!

WHAT I WANT EXACTLY?

Even if i want to write i don't know what should i write about.. all i want is to let go of my feelings.. to tell about the things i want to do in this world before i go.. i want to travel all over the world meet many people, know different culture and life they had but i somehow being tied by a big rope.. to let free is to hurt my heart but to let it be is to deny the things i want in life.. What I Want Exactly? I just hope one day I wake up and be free from anything or anyone.. if..and only if..